The Wayward Scholar

So, today is the day.

I must confess that I’ve been dreading my birthday for some time now. I have been trying to hide from father time since I turned 23 one orbit ago, but ultimately he found me. Those closest to me are aware that I’ve been freaking out continuously about my birthday. Most folks may freak out about turning 25 or 30 but not me. I’m freaking out about turning 24. I’ve never been quite conventional. I was planning on (yes, planning) having a year-long crisis as a coping strategy. I was going to get several body tattoos, some face piercings, dread and dye my hair green and religiously eat spicy food cause I’m a rebel. True story. See, I’ve been afraid of turning 24 not because I’m afraid of growing old or have a fear of dying. Rather, for me, this was supposed to be a milestone year.

I was “supposed” to be graduating with my Master’s Degree in Marriage & Family Therapy or Mental Health Counseling this year. I was “supposed” to have finished writing both of my novels I’ve been working on and started my non-profit dedicated to inspiring and supporting activists and other social change agents. I was “supposed” to be moving to Chicago, or Washington D.C or a nice place on the west coast where there are lots of trees and sunshine. I was “supposed” to have started building my savings to construct the massive butterfly and bee sanctuary that I’ve always dreamed of. I expected much of these plans to have at least been in motion by the time I was 24 if not yet accomplished.

I am nowhere near achieving any of those dreams and many of them have been abandoned altogether. I’ve been dreading today because I am in the near opposite position in which I was on track for and it can be difficult to face the reality that the few minutes I have on Earth are not being spent the way I desire.

However, now that my birthday is here and I have woken up and taken a long reflective look at my life. I am quite happy. The future is now much more uncertain and I don’t really have any clue where I may be heading but that’s nothing to be afraid of. My failure to accomplish the dreams that I planned out for myself only provides me the opportunity to dream bigger and more ambitious. I have a new lease on experiencing unlimited possibilities in my future and that’s worth celebrating.

Birthdays are celebrations to remind us of our mortality and to remind us of the miracles in our existence. To reflect on the infinitesimal fraction of a chance that we were ever blessed with precious life and light. Birthdays remind us to celebrate what truly matters and to focus on what is beautiful rather than what is ugly. It can be easy to forget these lessons throughout the year…but being a milestone year I know it’s time for me to break the tradition of forgetting.

It’s time to become less concerned with the numbers, with age and continue to be concerned with what I am doing with my time. This year will be my success year or maybe it will not but I can still ‘reclaim my time’ and everything else that is my own. I’m going to celebrate the light in my life, I will see all my dreams come true, I’m going to be vulgar and free, to find opportunity when there are closed doors, and to love deeply and love fiercely and to take hold of every single moment so I may always feel fully alive.

Some may ask me (perhaps with caution), how does it feel to be twenty-four?

Well, it feels pretty damn good.

Cheers to 24 years of being awkward, anxious and weird! I am looking forward to next year.