Photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash

As of late, I’ve been thinking a lot about love, relationships and my vision for a family in the future. I’ve been mostly focused on my education, career building, skill building and volunteering. I am anxious that my tunnel vision motivation will distract me from seeking deep, meaningful connections if I don’t prioritize love as much as everything else. I spent most of my adult life in a long-term relationship for nine years; we had an entire life planned together before our relationship broke down before my eyes.

This last year and a half I’ve focused on healing, moving on and re/discovering myself. My enthusiasm to begin dating again led to additional heartbreak and thus a hiatus from any serious movement in dating or relationships. It would be quite easy to simply withdraw, turn cold and distract myself with work and hobbies. Now many months later I am trying to figure out if I am again ready to take the step into a new journey.

I know that I crave a deep energetic connection and I desire companionship but my first instinct is to say I am not ready. I start to think about what a relationship would look like in comparison to the sense of freedom and autonomy I have now. How do I make space for an intimate partner in my life? If I want to go out with my friends on the weekend, do I really need to always bring them along? What if we have mutual friends? Would I be able to make impulsive solo trips across the country? Will my calendar suddenly become exclusively couple oriented and my interests, passions or pursuits are only ever shared? Is marriage and life-long commitment an expectation from day one?

I’ve been receiving un/solicited encouragement from community mostly stating things like:

“Love yourself first, you cannot love someone else until you learn to love yourself, always choose you, or you’re all you need!”

I find this advice quite interesting because this is what leads me down a path of feeling misaligned from my intentions. Wanting to hold hands with someone while we hike the Grand Canyon shouldn’t translate to I don’t love myself enough. I believe the common interpretation of this type of encouragement is that seeking external connection and reaching towards others all of the time is indicative of an emotional flaw in ourselves. Even connecting to others who may not be perfect matches is not necessarily a failure or fault in individual character. I am seeking love and companionship from others because I need meaningful connection to function as fully and powerfully as I can.

It is incredibly uplifting to have someone care for you and ask you how you’re feeling on a daily basis. It’s heart warming to feel seen and understood in all your brilliance and chaos. When you’re sharing warmth and laughter with someone special the world isn’t as cold, lonely or harsh.

I have a clear vision of what I want and this no way means I don’t love or respect myself. Hypothetically, failing to love myself as fiercely and completely does not mean we shouldn’t be able to pursue romance. It makes relationships more difficult to navigate for sure but the desire should be equally validated and affirmed. Life is complicated and messy and often times closeness and intimacy can be the healing we need to thrive. Loving others mostly requires simply knowing how to love others.

Each of us are built for connection, being social and outwardly loving towards other people. Turning inward is a construct of individualism that has saturated our culture and daily lives. There’s a difference between having a lack of self-awareness versus being introspective and thoughtfully navigating relationships with care, compassion and consistency.

The reality that I’m learning to accept is much like deciding to become a parent, I’m never going to be explicitly ready to take this new step. I won’t ever be fully ready for a relationship but that doesn’t mean I cannot find myself in one again. I fear becoming responsible and unfairly burdened with trauma that does not belong to me while I am carrying my own. I have apprehension that what I seek to provide to others will not be returned in equal measure.

“If loving yourself really means choosing you, that means choosing those who choose you too.”

No amount of healing or profound capacity for care or self-love will help me evade heartbreak. All of these factors and scenarios that I’m anxious or fearful of are ultimately out of my control. We all fear getting hurt and think that loving ourselves deep enough will serve as an armor and a strength that will immunize any pain, heartache or disappointment. But I recognize that I cannot love properly without vulnerability. Love is a risk, a leap of faith into the unknown which requires opening up and being willing to get hurt again.

I am learning that casually meeting people and making superficial connections is equally damaging to the spirit and can be detrimental for my own healing work around trust. It seems easier to have casual connections than anything significant, even if these people don’t really want me. But if loving yourself really means choosing you, that means choosing those who choose you too. A happy, healthy union is often formed between two flawed and imperfect people. There’s no playbook for navigating how to incorporate someone new into your life but secure, healthy relationships won’t make you feel a loss of agency and autonomy. Dating is also not married and thus responsibilities, expectations and intentions are different.

In the end, loving myself means honoring my truths and respecting what I ultimately desire. For now, being ready means being open to exploring connections that I establish with people and being willing to explore those connections and discover if these connections may become bonds.

I am beyond terrified about what is on the other side but I refuse to amputate anymore connections in hopes that the distance will somehow make me stronger. I will continue to focus on healing so I can love a partner as fiercely as I love myself, but I am also no longer shying away from opportunities that may present themselves. I’d like to think, that is growth.