[Photo by Marcus Bellamy on Unsplash]

I am afraid of sex. I did not know this to be true until the first time I said it aloud. Although sex has invited an array of sensory pleasures and ecstasies into my life; sex is often accompanied by dread, anxiety, shame and sometimes outright panic. Simply imagining physical contact with another person is enough to make me uncomfortable.

I have been struggling with anxiety for most of my adult life. It’s a struggle that I have kept mostly to myself and this experience can make me feel incredibly isolated and lonely. I am burdened with a deep sense of feeling socially isolated on an alarmingly regular basis. I don’t know exactly what I am afraid of, but I believe that much of my apprehension about having sex is really a fear of deepening that loneliness.

Perhaps, this fear of deepening loneliness comes from particular sexual traumas I experienced during a critical time in my late adolescence. Perhaps, its a defensive emotional response to multiple heartbreaks. Maybe I simply fear being raw, vulnerable, exposed and then failing to connect to my partner.

I know I approach sex hyper-aware that what I am actually desiring is something I will not likely gain in a casual encounter. Of course, casual hook ups do not provide the same security and intimacy that I may find with sexual partner(s) in a committed relationship. With this expectation I have already disconnected and begun to feel isolated before our interactions even begin.

I am in a space where my peers are mostly sexually liberated and are consistently dating or meeting up with people. As someone who studied couples, relationships and families I know that most people are not as sexually active as it may sometimes appear. Even still, I find myself with a sense of feeling left behind, out of touch or broken because I find myself unable to obtain real satisfaction. I enjoy myself but my mind wanders, my body yields and my spirit remains withholding. This supposedly exciting and adrenaline pumping experience in reality, can be quite bleak.

If intimate bonding and emotional connection is what I am seeking then sexual intimacy alone is unlikely the appropriate route to achieve this goal.
My recent dating history has been habitually meeting people regularly for hookups often creating awkward situations of unspoken or misplaced feelings. I starve for touch and connection and I wonder what these other bodies pressed against mine are craving, what their souls are starving for.

Are they also seeking a similar intimacy and connection with me that I am unconsciously craving from them? I am embarrassed to ask and express this to prospective partners out of worry they will become uncomfortable and flee.

I do not have the skills to move casual connections into more meaningful ones; feeling close and simultaneously far away is where loneliness takes root.
Sex does not allow me to feel whole and show up in full completeness. I am never truly naked. Having sex has become an activity that is so deeply self-solacing to replace the intimate bonds and emotional connections I am missing, I have become estranged from an experience that can be truly fulfilling.

I am dedicated to healing these wounds because I value friendship, connection and intimacy and I have found that working on trust, boundaries and self-esteem are central factors to overcoming these fears. Here are some specific ways to work on healing if you find yourself struggling too.

Boundaries

It is important to define and hold personal boundaries with others whether they are emotional, physical, intellectual or spiritual. We have the right to assert whatever boundaries necessary to feel safe and secure. This means determining what you are willing or unwilling to accept from others; this includes how you respond to them and not just how others respond to you. It is important to remind ourselves that our struggles with trusting others is not our own fault. It is okay to find peace in confiding in someone slowly over a period of time and recognizing that those who are curious enough to learn more about you, won’t actually mind at all.

Patience, Patience, Patience

Growth and change can take time and no single person is on the same time table or timeline. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you need to rush, including yourself. Practice giving yourself grace for the difficult days and always express gratitude for the better ones. Some love interests or attachments may not be a good match for you and that’s O.K. There is always potential to revisit others in the future when we are ready.

Communication

Say it with your chest! It is crucial to communicate and express what you are thinking and feeling to others even though it may be painful and scary. It is better to express how you feel and what you are needing so that you can better work through the anxieties. Remaining silent or not clearing articulating what you want does not move us closer to our desires but speaking our mind does.

All of these experiences are lessons that will help me love harder, more passionately and with intention in the future. Exploring a variety of relationships whether they are romantic, platonic or strictly sexual is nothing to be afraid of. Healthy relationships should be the priority. I’ll overcome my fears and anxiety by making the daily choice to choose myself first and to focus on what I want and not what I think I need.