The Wayward Scholar

I noticed that among a group of a billion people. I stand alone and I stand apart and not always for my grace. Do you ever feel that way?

I’m sure this must be what it means to be a person. Half in and half out of darkness and shadow. I don’t know why I struggle with that so much. I’m always tripping on my own feet being so fearful of failure. Wow! But I am actually so fearful of losing love.

Why am I always wanting to be in love?

This is what I conclude as the reason when I search my heart and spirit for answers to this dilemma around some of my fears. This infernal preoccupation with my morality, with justice and now my mortality. I want to be a good man. Good men are not afraid to love and good men are loved in return. Is that selfish of me to desire to love good men and be loved by good men? Is it selfish to want to be one of them?

I am learning that I am often in love. I know I am being loved but, I am afraid to love. Falling into hypnosis by the cords, soft string, singing piano and smooth buttery jazz of souls crafting the ethereal magic. I get so Lost in breath and rhythm, I miss the last call.

I’m surprised to find that the lights are already back on. Everyone is standing and clapping, scraping their chairs on the hard floor and leaving in murmur. The show is over. I have dreaded this moment. I forget every time about the crack of dawn. I forget how awful it feels to approach the un/predictability of this moment on the horizon.

I remain stirring in the potency of the magic. Allowing it’s thick cologne to store itself in every olfactory and bodily sense so I may remember every moment as the final curtains draw. I stir and let the events soak in. No matter the circumstances I am ill prepared for the blues. How did I become the lover boy?

I’m driving myself crazy and breaking my own heart. Yet, I know I will be back out again starting over. Cautiously ready to do it again. Ready to live and die all over again. A new suit, the same style, a lovely new composition, maybe a haircut this time, swirling magic, an exciting new show. Each time very different.

Taking each day head up with dignity and always more courage. Being a human is hard. Reminding myself that I live such a beautiful life and remain honored and humbled to have my turn.