The Wayward Scholar

It is no accident that I have been much more vocal about my one hundred year plan. I have decidedly chosen to be transparent about my madness, about being a madman, a scientist, a sorcerer. I have been open about being a time traveler and have also shared with a few people parts of that intimate journey across time and space. 

I will not pretend that I do not have secrets. I am far too smart to be naive enough to trust that everyone does not also hold their own secrets. They say that information doesn’t hurt people but secrets do and yet many secrets are kept due to the excruciating suffering the truths would cause. In my youth I loved 007 and longed to be a Secret Agent. I would draw out treasure maps and create missions and mysteries to solve. I studied codes, riddles and ciphers and took an interest in spy gadgetry. Most of these gadgets and codes were just toys or make believe but I wonder if there was a small manifestation for a love of mystery and secrets.

I discuss more thoroughly in my essays in my book about how confidentiality became a core value when I was young. It had been intrinsically woven into my development at home with stern and serious command “What happens at home stays at home” paired with the precise training for conflict resolution and student mediation as early as third grade. Confidentiality was the most crucial because as children we were prone to breaking confidentiality. It was important that we, conflict mediators, be the leaders at least in protecting people’s privacy and stories even if no resolution was found. It was important to understand that even if we were mediating conflicts between friends, this did not give permission to discuss those problems elsewhere.

These were my earliest memories of learning how to compartmentalize information and maintain unique boundaries with each unique individual. I decidedly chose to continue keeping secrets and for many have been the trusted secret keeper. It was not until in recent years that I have begun opening up and being more transparent, open and honest with others that I have realized that I had fulfilled my dream of being a secret agent all along. 

A one hundred plan is one of those plans that I have been naming more decidedly and openly. Secretly, this is part of the one hundred plan to learn to become more transparent and disciplined in my values and convictions. Facing more of my fears and being more courageous. I am often vague about this plan because I fear that to speak about it too soon would make the dream less real. Dreams are already unreal and can remain impressively intact when in fantasy and realms of imagination. Once they transform into material reality they depend on will, courage and tenacity to actualize. They depend on resources, money, access and time to actualize. 

In being more transparent about what I want and what my ambitions are I can more easily find the will, courage, tenacity to gather resources, save money, get access and enjoy my time. I can actualize my dreams and even in a material reality that would be quite unreal. 

I am two months into my thirties and have already noticed some changes in my living, emotional state and perspective of how I want to pursue my life. I expected that this new saga would be full of a similar rigor and energy that I had in my early twenties. Though, that is precisely the point of maturing and growing up. The plans become more focused, disciplined and niche and this does not mean we need to chase our dreams with reckless abandon. We chase our dreams with focus, discipline and we spend quality time with our interested expertise. This way we do not abandon our dreams, ourselves or those who need us.