The Wayward Scholar

What do we owe each other?
I’m either a good man or I’m not.
I can always be a better man, but I am,
just a man.
I’m the very least, honest.
high expectations
hold a brotha’s breath hostage.
nor does he go unpunished,
for having the audacity in being
a being sculptured of flesh and flaws,
wrongdoings and sin.
stained from the same cloth,
invites a disappointed rage, then shamed,
a man on a pedestal can never win.
the only way to reach your highness now,
is by knocking him down.
when all along he was where we belonged
in the First Place.
where he was in the first place.
the position of true royalty never changes,
but can only be upheld by unmeasured loyalty.

This piece is a designed from some shorter verses I have been rehearsing in my head recently as I’ve been considering the quality of some of the relationships I have in my life. It’s been a new journey in understanding and recognizing love languages among so many people in any given network or community. In how others relate to other, evaluate safety and access trust, assert boundaries and communicate. I’ve been practiced in recognizing patterns that lead to me feeling a greater feeling of anxiety or stress and have been able to navigate those well.

Learning deep breathing, intentional breathing and mindfulness has helped me a lot in managing my temper and explosions. Although, most do not have the benefit of witnessing my mad tantrums or anxiety attacks I’ve learned that the way I am present translates these moods either way. This is not exactly news to me, but it has reminded me of a past struggle that fed into my anxiety and perfectionism at one point.

I carry high expectations of myself which I admit has been one of the main barriers I haven’t been more successful at writing at this moment in my life. It also has served as a barrier where I assume that others have high expectations of me and in actuality, many people do. I serve as a leader in various capacities and as such I am expected to meet a high standard than most. I am always immensely honored to have the privileges to serve the People in the capacities that I carry and in any other tradition that I am useful. Realistically, I am still a transforming and learning, developing character of the planet Earth.

This relates to some of the exploration and re-reading of When Chicken heads Come Home to Roost: A Hip-Hop Feminist Breaks It Down by Joan Morgan. I originally read this book sometime in my late sophomore year of college when I first started exploring feminist theory and black feminist theory. This time, in my post college years I was looking for some perspective about healthy friendships, personal ambition and revisiting ideas on relationships related to performance over potential. I did not find the words I was looking for. It turns out it the quote(s) could have been from a number of sources including Colonize This, In the Wake: On Blackness and Being, poetry written by Audre Lorde and Nikki Giovanni or pulled among words by bell hooks, Angela Davis, Ida B. Wells then Patricia Hill Collins and Cathy Cohen.

Unfortunately, I do not have the time to research these details on my own. Mostly, I was searching for a quote that I did not find in my quick read through, I either missed it or it is in another text entirely. The themes I was seeking were still present in the book and were helpful in helping me process those perspectives. I was hoping to find a quote that read or would read similar to “how does one find a balance of keeping relationships in your life as you study and grow more conscious and aware of sexism and racism in your daily politics (such as the music and films you consume). As you engage and commit more to your theories and put them into practice this means challenging your friends and family the way you are challenging yourself.” Continuing to recite from memory the passage would go on to discuss further, “the consequence of being conscious and in presence of on-going harm [that is recognized as more material and personally political] means severing ties and dissolving those relationships as necessary.”

How woke is too woke, when there is no one left in your life to discuss the real things that bother you without making them feel indicted? I am trying to learn to enjoy myself and free myself from presumed high expectations so I can be a more authentic person and leader. This comes with the consequence of being seen more whole and human and for some that is a betrayal.