The Wayward Scholar

“One must stop characterizing himself in the language of colonization.” – Albert Memmi, The Colonizer and the Colonized  

 
It feels like it has been ages since I have written. I am reflecting as I am returning to work on a project that I had started in the early Spring of this year (2024). I had been asked to design a training or write an essay then present for an online webinar. I wrote and presented on Race, Gender and how those intersections have impacted Black men and Black women who are survivors of domestic and sexual violence. I discussed the history of violence and the U.S Empire, de facto and de jure enforcement of racial capitalism and invoked the trials and lessons from Black feminists and freedom fighters throughout history.  This included Sojourner Truth, Ida B. Wells, Harriet Tubman, Audre Lorde, Claudia Jones, Kimberle Crenshaw and others.  

During the production of this training, I was encouraged to face some realities that had been keeping me preoccupied. Many of these occupations have been resolved since then but I have only begun actualizing in return to this project as it will aid me generate a new piece.  

In this return I am revisiting some of the questions I have been being challenged with throughout the summer. Who am I in this work to end violence and oppression? What is my ‘why’? This is something that I know deeply but cannot articulate impulsively when asked. This is precisely the same question I was posed with during the Spring. In preparing for the first essay, I came to the moment of determining how I would introduce myself to the audience. Who am I?  

Before I could answer that for myself in this moment. I had to review some of my pre-occupations that left me feeling uncertain of my opening statements.  

The first that I have come to face is how disconnected I have been feeling from my People, my village and the broader community overall. It is not difficult to keep up to date on the health of any given community space from a sociological perspective and imagination. It is another entirely to sit next to your kin, to witness the inflections of their facial expressions and the uniqueness in their spirit animated. Any time that feels like too much time away is nearly an eternity. My current work does not require daily interaction with community members or people directly impacted by violence, trauma or oppression.  

This change has been different and has come with necessary growth. The growth I have experienced in my activism and organizing sometimes still feels at odds with my current strategies. This past version of myself that I once saw in the mirror thankfully has challenged me so more wisdom may continue to emerge.  

The last pre-occupation was a hesitation that I could be myself. I am not always what others expect me to be especially when the time that has passed is forgotten variable.  

This new project will facilitate building my endurance and restoring a new energy that can prepare me for more direct involvement. This leads to the second pre-occupation; readiness and commitment to my philosophy. Is my allegiance to the mission strong enough to withstand external challenges as I look to share with others and look to expand our analysis our intersecting histories and analysis of the trajectory on our current issues? 

My role is transforming in many of the spaces that I have historically occupied but this does not mean that I am losing myself. Who am I? I am a writer. I am a warrior. I am a sorcerer. I am an advocate. I am an educator. I am a mad man. I am a revolutionary. This makes perfect sense to me and I’m the only person it must make sense to. This is what it means to be unapologetic and to own yourself. I do not exist to be understood. I exist. I am. I do not need to explain myself to anyone and I should not be afraid to be the person that I have always been.  

The world asks us to be politically correct, controlled, distinguished, digestible, easy, approachable and attempts to violently mold you even when you are easy to understand. There was a time (that was not long ago) that these terms made sense to me. Today, they simply feel to deflect away from the truth that although I teach, educate, train and study. I am being. This is to say that I am here too and in being here I am also the subject of this same education, training and study. 

I ended up introducing myself while naming everything openly, clearly and confessing the complicated feelings some of these superlatives may stir. I confessed that I was only here to shine my own light, walk my own path and blaze in the glory of my own fire. There are no words or singular adjectives in the human language that illustrates my full sum.  

I am proud of this and so this is what I will lead with from now on. This year i have been encouraging myself to embracing failure and let it propel me forward rather than hold it down. This renewed project is focused on actualizing my who and why and innovating new ways to express myself.  

I’m often saying something different than some of my peers and that can be uncomfortable. This isn’t the first time I have made this observation and so I recognize that this occasional merited discomfort is part of the practice. This truth doesn’t make reality any less strange to experience.  

Is it possible to resist surrendering to the colony when so many of my peers embrace the daily conditions? Does resistance become futile when individualism remains prioritized while a politic toward mass organized collective struggle declines.  

How do you teach a man how to save his own life when he refuses to acknowledge that it is in constant danger? What do you tell a man who understands he is in constant danger but continues to ask others what he should do about his own situation?  What leader should lead when they fear to exert their divine right for dignity and respect from their counterparts?

The popular and dominant historical narrative is that newly freed men and women were poised with this same ontological question ‘who am I’ and named themselves after the plantation owners and the enslaved masters.  

In reality after slavery many Black people refused to use the last names of their masters. They called themselves “Freeman” instead. The name Freeman was also found to have been used by Africans who were freed before slavery was “officially” abolished. It was mainly after the abolition of chattel slavery that many Black people changed their names to Freeman. When learning this I saw my ancestors in a new light. 

Many African American last names hold weight of Black history (nbcnews.com) 

Inserting this new language not only more precisely defines me but it allows me freedom to reclaim the ability to re/name myself as many times as I’d like in this lifetime. It is discussed that the impact of colonialism on the mind, spirit and expression is the most critical to decolonize. Those who live on the colony who are lost to themselves and remain trapped in the matrix of domination will submit to the conditions rather than resist. In declaring who I am out loud, I am declaring my position against the Empire and declaring my alignment and allegiance to the People.  

I am not dangerous in reclaiming and standing in my truth. It is the truth that can set us free.