- No Social Media or Limit Sharing Social Media
The absence of social media of any kind can be a red flag and is indicative of lack of transparency. In our unusual times where the future and our vicennial or two decades of typical social media usage has been changing rapidly. Although, social media use and there are legitimate reasons for not having social media. This is about openness and access to typical ways for connecting with one another in the 21st century. It is best to use discernment when determining whether this would apply as a red flag to every situation. Limiting one’s use of social media, taking a hiatus or emphasizing privacy can be healthy for one’s mental and emotional health.
People who are emotionally or physically unfaithful may use social media to connect with people online and easily conceal these connections and maintain a specific image. If someone is concealing the truth of their whereabouts, who they know, who they are spending time with or other details of their personal life ditching the social media accounts helps maintain the mystery. The lack of these accounts can make it difficult to verify the authenticity of who someone says they are and may conceal the ability to verify jobs, education and identity.
Blocking you on social media, refusing to add you on accounts, having hidden accounts or pages are all signs to look out for. Leading a double life can be serious detriment to establishing healthy relationships and is a significant barrier for maintaining trust.
- Mirroring
When it seems too good to be true! They say that mimicry is the highest form of flattery. It can be amazing when we finally meet someone who seems to relate to us in ways that no one else has. They are going through the exact same things that you are! They have the same hobbies, musical tastes and interests.
If you keep your eyes and ears keen you may notice that they are reflecting to you the same words almost verbatim and sharing the same emotions, you are conveying. This may look subtle at first, they may order the same drinks or food while out on a date. Mimic your facial expressions when taking pictures, they may suddenly have the same style wearing similar clothes or even the same clothes as you. They seem to be fun, interesting and truly compatible with your personality.
Recognizing that someone who is mirroring will require more intention in identifying and watching for patterns. Empathy is an experience of understanding and relating to another person and being able to recognize your own emotions, reactions from their perspective. Being empathetic is relational and often includes being compassionate to the feelings of others.
If you are intuitively struggling to gain a sense if someone is empathizing with you or just telling you what you want to hear. It is safer to follow your own gut instincts than to follow the promises of someone you hardly know no matter how persuasive they are. When paired alongside love bombing, mirroring can create the allure of a genuine bond when it is fabricated for manipulation later.
- Possessiveness and Jealousy
When you say you want your partner to be “Crazy in Love” with you. Do you want them to isolate you from friends and family? Are you expecting them to follow your every move and keep track of your location? Are you expecting them to be flirty with others or behave in ways that make you uncomfortable? Do you expect to be told how to dress, how to diet and given expectations for public behavior and even curfews? Are there double standards?
Many of us know that we do not want to find ourselves in unhealthy or toxic relationships. However, our culture often elevates in media examples romantic partners having toxic love affairs filled with drama, deceit and jealousy! Jealousy has become the face of love and passion when it is the face of infatuation.
Possessiveness has been romanticized when it is dangerous and can be terrifying! Naturally fearing the loss of your love and attachment can be activating but that is not an excuse to control or sabotage someone.
Jealousy is a defensive reaction to feeling that a relationship or bond is being threatened by an external force such as a competing relationship. This usually stems from a sense of insecurity, inadequacy or a lack of trust. These can be signs of someone having a need for power and control or may have a controlling personality.
Healthy relationships honor autonomy, sovereignty and encourages healthy space from one another. There is support for the individual to maintain a sense of self while in the relationship. You can maintain important connections with friends, colleagues and family without them becoming threatening to your relationship.
Healthy relationships respect your boundaries whether they are physical, sexual, emotional, mental, spiritual or time boundaries. They are unconditional partnerships that share compassion, trust and safety. This means that partners are secure in themselves and each other. Love as the antithesis of fear cannot exist in the same place as fear.
- Boundary Testing
A free and easy way to learn about a person’s character is to observe how they treat others and interact with those who serve them. When you’re out on a date or hanging out with new friends take notes on their behavior. A red flag that you may be overlooking is how some people may engage in boundary testing. They may stretch their arms or legs out wide to take up more space. They may be given explicit instructions about rules or requests and pretend to not have heard you.
They are the only guest who conveniently forgot that you wanted them to use the coasters on the coffee table or taking off their shoes while visiting. They make passive aggressive comments about the servers or demean them. They challenge schedules or routines. The purpose of boundary testing is to determine how much someone can or cannot get away with. It is important to have assertive and strong boundaries as flexible, weak or limited boundaries are invitations to being taken advantage of. Someone purposefully going out of their way to test your boundaries is a clear sign that they don’t respect them or you.
- Dating History
It is important to know exactly how someone ended up in front of you. Whether for friendships, professional or romantic relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships and connections; knowing and examining dating history can give clues to a partner’s honesty, integrity, reliability and will likely provide insight to any immediate red flags or patterns of questionable behavior. Dating history can often provide insight into what you are likely to experience with this person yourself.
A history of cheating and infidelity can be all that you need to know about the future of relationship. Cheating and infidelity are rarely situational behavior and usually will reflect a pattern. Some surveys and studies suggest that a person’s past behavior of infidelity can directly predict whether they will cheat in the future. Although, people who have cheated may do so for selfish reasons not all cheaters are toxic. People cheat due to neglect, abuse, feeling dissatisfied or due to personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder or narcissism.
Source(s):
Empathy or Narcissistic Mirroring
https://youtu.be/Iihq0jMZPAQ?si=1mE50im69hC1ye49
You’re Not the Problem: The Impact of Narcissism and Emotional Abuse – How to Heal by Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna
Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis
Green Flags in a Healthy Relationship
Green Flags in a Relationship – The Hotline
The Wayward Scholar 
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